by Kara Machowski
Speaking with Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, author of Loving Bravely, I found myself with a world of questions. So many of us have unanswered questions regarding, love, loss, when to focus on your career versus your relationship, often times shutting our lovers out. It seemed like no matter how long anyone has been working at a relationship there will always be tough roads to cross and at times we can’t see the other side and become sidetracked. A woman who puts in twelve hours of work because she is a successful, practicing psychologist, but also teaches classes and is in the process of finishing and publishing a book will feel like she is missing out in her home life. The balance is often harder for women, while a man mostly feels accomplished for his work, the twelve hours, the one hour spent with the kids is well spent and he is working to support his family; therefore he does’t experience the same guilt.
In Loving Bravely, Dr. Solomon explains how couples bring their individual histories with them and within that their ghosts. It’s family; therefore he does’t experience the same guilt.
“It’s tough for women,” said the Psychologist, “for girls in general. They all had the same question that was about how to balance the demands of their romantic lives with the demands of their career ambition. It’s fucking brutal, it’s really hard. Most of these girls are graduating and moving for work and they are off to location X and he is going off to location Y and they can’t figure out if they should try to make it work long distance or not. Or he’s off to location X and they say “I could go anywhere and if I go with him I feel like a sell out or a ‘clingy-woman’.”
This reminds me of my question of marriage and whether or not I was making the right choice, giving up possible opportunities. Then she went on.
“The women that I meet and talk to feel really overly responsible to not compromise on their part otherwise it feels like selling out. So it depends on the guy or gal who doesn't treat you well then they are undeserving of that compromise, but if theres a relationship that you are curious about, careers are big and long and winding and there’s not just one way to success, there’s not just ‘door A’ there’s also ‘B’, ‘C’, ‘E’ and so on, so one of my pieces of advice is to allow flexibility in their lives. Women are everyday out-performing men, and every level of the educational spectrum. For every two college degrees that are given to men three are given to women. Women are just kicking-ass and they are really competent and can do whatever they want, so I think I worry about women given short-shrift to what’s possible for them in their romantic lives as well. That part of them deserves care and attention as well.
That’s the nature of being a woman, there’s relationship maintenance and there’s career maintenance and they are always dancing together. It can feel like a tension or a battle but it should be seen as a dance.”
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